An Imperfect Insight: Patience

An Imperfect Insight: Patience: "I am sure that the first time I heard the phrase, 'patience is a virture' was from my mom. With all the things that go on in our lives..."

Patience

I am sure that the first time I heard the phrase, "patience is a virture" was from my mom.  With all the things that go on in our lives, I am sure I uttered the phrase "i can't wait for" many times.  I definately hear it from my kids often, especially at this time of year.  They can't wait for school to be out and they can't wait for Christmas.  I can't blame them, both things are worth getting excited about.  In addition to them verbalizing their thoughts, my daughter really enjoys counting down the day until the time arrives.  She has even taken it to the point of using post-in notes on the refridgerator and tear one down each day.  I love their passion, enthusiasm and the ability to get excited about upcoming events.

As hard as it is for them and as it was for me to wait patientially for a holiday, vacation, visit to see friends and family or just for the weekend to come, nothing has been harder than the wait on the job front.  Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed the quiet time to be around my family, but unless I win the lottery I know that this can't last.  This is not the time that many companies are hiring and so there are not many listings and not much activity.  Waiting and being patient is hard.  Fortunately, I have had some opportunities present themself, but even the waiting between an interview, email or phone call can be excruciating.  Did you say the right things, have the right experience, know the right people?  All this runs through your mind on a daily basis, especially knowing that at some point you will have to pay for insurance, make sure there is money for food, rent, and utilities. 

I know that that time of taking any job has not yet come, but I know it is out there somewhere in a month or two.  But i also know that it is important to have patience and make sure an opportunity is the right opportunity and be sure that we don't jump on something that causes more chaos in the family.  I know that the right job is out there that will be right for me and for the family.  So I will maintain my patience.

Until that time comes, I will be sure to enjoy every day, continue to work to find opportunities, network with friends and collegues, and celebrate the holidays.  Maybe the best way to display patience is to enjoy the moment, live in the moment and know that things will happen when they should.  I won't waste time worrying about what I can't control and know that it will all happen in due time.  There will be no post-it's on the refridgerator and no worrying about that future date and when will a company follow-up, there will only be working my plan and enjoying the time.  Have a wonderful holiday season and I wish you all the patience to enjoy the time!

An Imperfect Insight: Remember to take time for yourself

An Imperfect Insight: Remember to take time for yourself: "Over the last two days, I have been thinking this was a very enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday season and how nice it was to not have to worry ..."

Remember to take time for yourself

Over the last two days, I have been thinking this was a very enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday season and how nice it was to not have to worry about getting to a game, feeling need to check email or go into the office.  It was great to have four uninterrupted days with my family, including my in-laws and sister-in-law.  We did not have to travel and worry about driving on crowded roads, sleeping in foreign beds and packing.  I thought that it was just what I needed.  The only downside was not being able to spend time with my side of the family.

What I did not realize was that it was more than that.  I figured that out today.  Liz encouraged me to come to the gym with her and actually join.  She loves to work out and stays in great shape, me on the other hand never seems to have time for working out. So we decided that I would join and see how it all works out.

In the middle of a 45 minute cardio workout, I started trying to figure out when was the last time I had worked out at a gym.  I struggled to remember.  Then I went over to do some leg work and Liz suggested that we do squats.  That got me thinking about the year in college that I spent the whole fall working out preparing for basketball tryouts.  Before the season started, I was squatting up to 400 lbs at 10 reps as good as anyone on the team.  Today, I was lucky to do 100 lbs in three sets of 12.  I guess that show how long it truly had been.

On the ride home, I realized that all of this was about taking time for me.  Since graduation and especially since we had kids, I have not played in a golf or softball league, picked up a hobby, or really anything else that was just for me.  It has always been about work and my family and trying to find a way to balance it. 

In my professional life, I have never really taken time to mentally, emotionally, or even physically finish one job before moving to the next.  I started working at Hamilton in media relations before I graduated.  When I took the job at Binghamton, I basically finished my last day on Friday only to start work the following Monday and the transition to Towson was the same.  While working, I was rarely sick, hardly ever used my accumulated leave time, and usually found myself in the office during Christmas breaks (making sure those year-ends gifts got processed or at a game).  When not in the office, I was usually running the kids around or just zoning out in front of the TV while checking or clearing out email.

What I realized today was that this time off, which has included Thanksgiving and my workout today, has given me some time to do some things for me.  To not have any responsibilities outside of what is best for me and my family has been awesome.  I don't have hundreds of emails to write and respond to or an endless amount of meetings to attend.  I get to choose what I do each day, have lunch with my wife, pick up my kids from school and not have to worry about how are we going to get them from one activity to the next.  I can do some things to make me a better, healthier person.

I must admit that I have become addicted to the reality show "The Biggest Loser" and have discovered that each contestant eventually comes to the same realization - to really change their life, they have to do it for themself, not just to meet others expectations.  I used to think how can I do anything for me, that it was selfish when I had all these other things that took up my time where would I find a few hours to play golf, softball or just workout.  What I am realizing is that I need to do that to be a better person, father, spouse, and worker. 

I started playing cards at a local bar once or twice a week (this will be an entry of it's own).  There is no betting involved, I really don't know anyone, and it maybe takes three hours (if I am playing well).  What it does is give me an outlet, where I can relax, talk about nothing related to work or family and the people are nice and don't care how much money I make or where I live.  I guess I had not realized how beneficial that has been for me without taking anything away from my family.

What I once thought that I did not have any time for, I realized that is critical to make me a better person.  It has given me a different perspective on why we each must find this outlet or activity that is just for us.  We must find ways to take time for "me".  Hopefully, I can contiue my workouts (don't think my trainer, Liz, will let me stop) even after I find my next employeer.  I will enjoy this time between jobs and realize that I needed it for me and that will make me better.

Thanks for Balance

Given that it is the season for giving thanks I was planning on writting about all the things that I am thankful for, especially given my recent job loss.  I thought that would help keep me in the right perspective.  While reading my current book, Wooden on Leadership, Wooden quoted Rudyard Kipling's poem "If" - "If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster and treat those two imposters the same." Though I had not heard that poem in years, it quickly came back to me and reminded me about the importance of balance. I thought this would be an appropriate topic for my Thanksgiving blog. Ok, it is a couple days early.

Now don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for friends, good health and especially my wonderful family. But one thing that has been a constant in my life has been balance, although my mom never thought I had any as she would always ask why I was the only one who always seemed to be on the floor or ground in whatever sport I played. 

This thanks is for life balance and it goes to my mom and dad.  Maybe it was a birth order thing, being a middle child, or maybe it was just that their strengths were different and I got a little of both. Dad was a standout athlete in three sports and played two in college, he is great with numbers, history and very handy.  I went to him for help with math, science and how to hit a ball to right field. Mom is always reading, loves to care for others, reflect and meditate.  She was the one that I went to for help with English, vocabulary, and understanding books.  They exposed us (my two sisters and I) to a wide variety of things, everything from sports to art, history to science.

My life has been pretty much defined by everything in moderation. Without really planning on it, I tried to be involved in as much as I could and being at a small school definately helped.  I played any sport I could, was in a multitude of clubs, and participated in the band, choir, and school play.  So much of my high school days were spent trying to balance everything.  This pattern continued in college and beyond.

When I took the job at Towson, we struggled to sell our house and I spent two plus years living apart from my family, returning home about every other weekend.  I spent long hours in the office, not really wanting to be at my apartment alone.  Somehow I lost that balance and have realized that was not good.  Work became a 24/7 part of my life.  Once the family moved down in August 2009, the balance started to come back and it made me a better person, employee, father, and husband.

I think I forgot how important that balance is and how that helps us be better at all the things we do.  I always wanted to do well at everything I participated in, but I also knew that not one of those things alone defined me.  I was defined by all of them as a whole.  Whenever I had success or struggle, I never had much time to enjoy the success or get down by the struggles as I had to move on to what was next.    This taught me moderation and the importance of balance, I realized that this would be the approach that worked for me.  (Although I think it hurts me in one of my outlets - Texas Hold'em Poker, but that is for another day.)

One of my mentors who I worked with at Binghamton and is now the Athletic Director at LeMoyne College, reinforced this I idea as it related to the long college basketball season.  He said that the season is too long and has too many games to get to high with the wins and to low with the losses.  You will drive yourself crazy if you do that, instead just enjoy the ride and then evaluate at the end.

The poem "If" is about all the things we go through in life and how they can impact us, great sentiments for young people.  Rudyard Kipling was a favorite of my mom, especially this poem.  It was one of a couple poems that she shared with me often as a kid and when I reread it this weekend it reinforced the importance of balance.  It reminded me that results, emotions and feelings are temporary and if we can learn to balance them, as Kipling says "Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a man my son!"

So during this week of giving thanks, I want to thank my mom and dad for giving me balance and for sharing so many wonderful things, including the works of Kipling.

Leadership Styles ...... Trying to find my style

As I have moved up the professional ladder, I have been witness to a number of different leadership styles, some have been very good (in my opinion) and others, not ones that I would model.  In that time, I have tried to develop my own leadership style.  As an athlete, I had my chances to be a leader serving as team captain and for many years I played catcher, a position that has to keep everyone in the play.  At college, I was a Resident Advisor as a senior and had to provide some leadership to the residents of Minor Dorm (although the inmates might have been running the asylum -at least on the second floor). 

Over the last three years, I have had the good fortune to work on those leadership skills while supervising thirteen professions with a wide array of experiece and skill.  I think that I was able to make some strides in developing a leadership philosphy.  Despite that growth, there is still a lot that I want to do to continue to develop that style, especially as I look toward my next position.

There are shelves and shelves of books on the philosophy of leadership and management and in reviewing them I have never really found that one the fits me, that fits the type of leader that I want to be.  That was until about two months ago....

The family was downtown at the Harbor and wandered into the bookstore.  As usual I found my way over to the self-help/business section looking again for something that would strike me.  I happened to see a few books by legendary basketball coach John Wooden.  Although I had heard so much about him, I really did not know much about him, so I flipped through some pages.  I must admit that I was skeptical, mostly because everyone now has a book, a system to "improve".  So I did not get the book that day.  Now that I have some time on my hands, I discovered that local library that my wife and kids go to regularly (a plug for taking advantage of the library!) and got John Wooden's book, Wooden on Leadership.

I am less than 50 pages into the book and I think that I have found that voice that I have been looking for.  So many people in athletics only talk about winning as the ultimate success, Vince Lombardi is quoted as having said, "winning isn't everything, it is the only thing."  One of Bill Parcell's many quotes was "there is winning and there is misery."  Don't get me wrong, I like to win as much as the next person, but I have also learned that winning is not necessarily the best measure of success.

Wooden's definition of succes is " Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in  knowing you made the effort to become the best of which you are capable." (pg. 3)  When I read this there were so many things that went through my head.  I thought about fans, parents, media, bosses, and others who want to judge us; no where in that statement is there anything about what others think.  It is all about each of us determining if we have done everything we can and feel comfort in knowing that we had.

The other thought running through my mind was my current situation and the phrase "peace of mind."  While there are many emotions that I have gone through since Nov 5, after a day or two I have not really felt anger.  I have always felt that our team made great strides and we did everything we could to be the best we could and the best for the University.  For that I am proud, proud of my team and proud of our effort.  While others may have judged us not a success or not meeting expectations, Wooden reminds me that it is not about their satisfaction, but self-satisfaction that matters.  This is very powerful for everyone (athletes, employees, coaches, etc) to remember, each of us will be judged, but as we move forward only we can judge if we "made the effort to become the best of which you are capable."  It will help me not only evaluate if I have been successful, but also an important thing for me to remember as I work to lead others and help them attain success.  Something that all of us should remember.

I am excited to read the rest of the book and learn more about Wooden's "Pyramid of Success" that were his guiding principles. His ideas all go back to a leader being a teacher and helping others achieve. A good example to follow.

This post has gone on longer that I thought, but please spend a few more minutes reading the below.

SUCCESS

by John Wooden

Success in coaching or playing should not be based on the number of games won or lost, but rather on the basis of what each individual did in comparison with others when taking into consideration individual ablities, the facilities with which you had to work, the caliber of your opponents, the site of the contests, etc.

True succes comes only to an individual by self-satisfaction in knowing that you gave everything to become the very best tha you are capable of.  As George Moriarty once said, "Giving all, it seems to me, is not so far from victory." Therefore, in the final analysis, only the individual himself can correctly determine his success. You may be able to fool others, but you can never fool yourself.

It is impossible to obtain perfection, but that should be the goal.  Less than 100% of your effort toward obtaining your objective is not success, regardless of how many games you won or lost.

Others may have far more ability than you have, they may be larger, faster, quicker, able to jump better, etc, but no one should be your superior in team spirit, loyalty, enthusiasm, cooperation, determination, industriousness, fight and character.  Acquire and keep these traits and success should follow.

Wooden on Leadership, John Wooden and Steve Jamison, copywrite 2005. McGraw-Hill

Time to start a new chapter....

Well, Nov 5, 2010 will either be a day that haunts me or the best day ever.  I had three very interesting years in my job and then three months wondering what would come next, before learning my fate that day.  Let me first step back a little.

After ten successful years at Binghamton University, I had the opportunity to lead the athletics external team at Towson University.  In that time we made some progress, despite some struggles.  Personally, I commuted for two years waiting for our house in NY to sell.  Finally in Aug 2009 with the house sold, my family moved to Sparks, MD.  Ten months later, my boss resigned and life became a little unsettled.  We moved forward through the summer preparing for another year.

Finally in September, a new boss was announced and started in late October.  The on Nov 5th I was told that the new boss was restructuring and that there was no position for me.  Closing my Towson University chapter.

Since a great deal of my life has centered around sports, it reminded me of being at bat in the bottom of the last inning with runner on and two strikes, looking for a fastball and getting a curve.  When those unexpected things happen there are many ways you can go.  Despite bitter disappointment, I always tried to learn something from the experience.  Even if that something was no more than, " you know what, he got the better of me and it just wasn't meant to be."

So as I try to write the next chapter of my book, I have actually been very at ease with what has happened.  Despite a big curveball, I have learned that I have a lot of friends at the University and in the Athletics industry that are supportive and willing to help.  I also understand that with the holidays, I will have some time to unwind, destress, and enjoy the time with my family.  For as long as I can remember, holiday's always seemed to be cut short to be at some game or some meeting.  Not this year.  There will be plenty of time to enjoy family, friends and the spirit of the season.

During this time off, I plan to work hard to start my next chapter, spend time with my family and do some writing that will hopefully continue through my next at bat when hopefully I can find a way to beat the pitcher and hit his curveball.